You look Mahvelous dahling!

Before I start this I want to assure everyone that I am not a conceited beeatcchh but here is my dilemma. lately when I see someone who has heard of my "situation" but hasn't seen me for quite some time their reaction has been "You look fantastic!"

I'm never quite sure how to respond. Thank you? am I NOT supposed to look good? Are they expecting me to be bald and sickly? I don't know, but sometimes it's almost as if they don't believe I really have cancer (yeah, that's me, lying again, I don't really have cancer, I just wanted the attention and the sympathy) should my response be, "thanks, but I really look like crap, or I may look good on the outside but my insides feel horrible"

What do people want to hear? do I lie and tell them yes, I feel great, or do I tell them the truth and tell them I feel a lot worse than I look? either way I always feel like I am not being honest with myself or them. When you see someone and say "how are you doing?" you don't really want to know unless it's good. the standard and expected response is "fine thanks, how are you?" Who wants to hear, "not great, I guess you haven't heard that I have terminal cancer". I mean, who wants to hear that stuff?

I just talked to an acquaintance today that I hadn't talked to since January. I guess I didn't really have to say anything, but the reason she had called was to see if I wanted to earn extra money doing agency nursing. I guess I could have said no thanks and left it at that, but I didn't.

So, what do I do? Continue to be honest. So, when you see me and ask me how I am doing you will get honesty from me. Some days will be good days, others will not. But.....when I have my bad days please know that I am not trying to burden you with my problems. When I feel good I will tell you, but when I don't feel so great you'll know that as well. Lately I have been having more bad days.

Fortunately my breathing is better with the supplemental oxygen, but unfortunately my tumor markers (Tumor markers are substances produced by tumor cells or by other cells of the body in response to cancer) are higher than before. Normal level is less than 40, mine started at 729 and dropped to 267. Now it's back up to 391 which means I have to start back on Tarceva. Tarceva is a chemotherapy drug that has had promising results for patients with pancreatic cancer, basically it helps prolong life by a few months, but hey, I'll take what I can get! the problem is that it has unpleasant side effects, so, next time you see me and ask me how I'm doing, well........

don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful for all the advances that medicine has made, but I sure would be a lot happier without the "chemo acne", the nausea, the fuzzy down I seem to be growing on my face (thank goodness it's not dark hair!) and other stuff. The major side effect to these side effects is that they put me in a lousy mood! So, please don't take it personally!

My shrink told me that I should take each day as it comes and concentrate on the cruise countdown. Not being able to control my situation is driving me insane, but I am trying my best!