By the way.....

The cruise almost didn't happen, gasp! I got a call on the Monday before we left from my doctor's office, "was I by any chance yellow?" Remember that Friday I was feeling pretty crappy and as it turned out my bilirubin was very elevated due to the fact that my bile duct was blocked off, most likely from the tumor. So, after much scrambling and the heroic actions of Shirley, the oncology nurse, I was able to get in on Tuesday for an ERCP and had the blocked stent replaced, phew! I was a bit tired but nonetheless I was on that plane the next day! Everyone was bound and determined to get me on that cruise and once again I find myself so grateful for the people and blessings God has surrounded me with! So, next time you are faced with a situation that seems impossible, think again!

Cruise Report and Merry Christmas!

What a great time we had! Our trip started with a late evening plane ride to Ft Lauderdale then on to the ship the next afternoon! Our rooms were just beautiful with lots of room for storage and a big balcony where I got to enjoy reading in solitude drinking my coffee each morning. Friday we spent at sea, laying by the pool, exploring the ship and the kids enjoying some of the activities the ship had to offer. The food was marvelous, my appetite wasn't the best but I at least tried everything I ordered. On Saturday we went shopping in the morning in Cozumel, then on to a private beach where my brother in law and the two youngest kiddies stayed while the rest of us went to swim with the dolphins. I can't begin to tell you what a magical experience that was. What magnificent beautiful creatures they were and we were right up there close and personal as you can see. I was so overwhelmed I cried half the time, and because they are supposed to have healing powers my sister kept telling me to touch them and I swear she was trying to shoo them toward me. Alas the time went by all too fast and we were finished with our dolphin encounter, so we decided to go to Carlos and Charlie's for a traditional tequila shot and to buy some t shirts. back to the ship and even more food and Sunday we spent relaxing as much as we could with 4 kids in tow!

I really had a terrific time, especially the time spent with the people who are dearest to me in my life. The kids were kids, very well behaved but not Stepford children for sure! I am ready to go on another cruise, add that to my list of things to live for, a cruise in the spring with another swim with the dolphins!

Friends I will remember you

think of you, pray for you, and when another day is through, I'll still be friends with you.

I was so blessed to have a gaggle of my bestest girl friends come over last night to watch A Star is Born (Kris Kristofferson and Barbra Streisand). The movie holds a lot of dear memories for me, but none as much as last night will. They brought food, drink, props, gifts, you name it. I was laughing and crying so hard I had to take an extra Vicodin! I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I am truly blessed.

And to think it almost didn't happen. I woke yesterday feeling worse than I had felt in days, and had not been able to keep anything down since Tuesday. I called my oncologist's office and they told me to come over right away. They said better in their office than to wait four hours in the ER, so true. so, they took a look at me, loaded me up with meds and IV and let me sleep for a few hours. I was dehydrated for sure. God bless them for taking such good care of me always.

I was advised to cancel the evening, but after another nap I decided not to. I had been looking forward to it too long and so were my friends. They had enough good judgement to not overstay their welcome and we all had a marvelous time!

So, 3 days and a wake up and I'll be on a plane bound for Ft Lauderdale and the SS Navigator!! Peggy and I had our nails done and I get my hair done on Monday. My plan is to stay on the Lido deck heavily sunscreened (chemo doesn't mix well with the sun) and sipping fancy umbrella drinks and reading trashy novels and gossip magazines. No work, no chemo, no cancer!

You look Mahvelous dahling!

Before I start this I want to assure everyone that I am not a conceited beeatcchh but here is my dilemma. lately when I see someone who has heard of my "situation" but hasn't seen me for quite some time their reaction has been "You look fantastic!"

I'm never quite sure how to respond. Thank you? am I NOT supposed to look good? Are they expecting me to be bald and sickly? I don't know, but sometimes it's almost as if they don't believe I really have cancer (yeah, that's me, lying again, I don't really have cancer, I just wanted the attention and the sympathy) should my response be, "thanks, but I really look like crap, or I may look good on the outside but my insides feel horrible"

What do people want to hear? do I lie and tell them yes, I feel great, or do I tell them the truth and tell them I feel a lot worse than I look? either way I always feel like I am not being honest with myself or them. When you see someone and say "how are you doing?" you don't really want to know unless it's good. the standard and expected response is "fine thanks, how are you?" Who wants to hear, "not great, I guess you haven't heard that I have terminal cancer". I mean, who wants to hear that stuff?

I just talked to an acquaintance today that I hadn't talked to since January. I guess I didn't really have to say anything, but the reason she had called was to see if I wanted to earn extra money doing agency nursing. I guess I could have said no thanks and left it at that, but I didn't.

So, what do I do? Continue to be honest. So, when you see me and ask me how I am doing you will get honesty from me. Some days will be good days, others will not. But.....when I have my bad days please know that I am not trying to burden you with my problems. When I feel good I will tell you, but when I don't feel so great you'll know that as well. Lately I have been having more bad days.

Fortunately my breathing is better with the supplemental oxygen, but unfortunately my tumor markers (Tumor markers are substances produced by tumor cells or by other cells of the body in response to cancer) are higher than before. Normal level is less than 40, mine started at 729 and dropped to 267. Now it's back up to 391 which means I have to start back on Tarceva. Tarceva is a chemotherapy drug that has had promising results for patients with pancreatic cancer, basically it helps prolong life by a few months, but hey, I'll take what I can get! the problem is that it has unpleasant side effects, so, next time you see me and ask me how I'm doing, well........

don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful for all the advances that medicine has made, but I sure would be a lot happier without the "chemo acne", the nausea, the fuzzy down I seem to be growing on my face (thank goodness it's not dark hair!) and other stuff. The major side effect to these side effects is that they put me in a lousy mood! So, please don't take it personally!

My shrink told me that I should take each day as it comes and concentrate on the cruise countdown. Not being able to control my situation is driving me insane, but I am trying my best!

Every Day is Thanksgiving!

I have had a few minutes to pause and reflect on how grateful I am to have the friends and family I do who are all supporting me, whether through prayer or other means. It occurs to me that although I have been dealt a lousy hand lately I have so much to be grateful for as do we all. Just as every day I am on this planet is another day I am a survivor, every day we all have with each other is Thanksgiving, not just the 4th Thursday in November. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day, today and everyday.

hooray!

the girls have found a home! I am so thrilled and thankful to the Erny's for being such a good foster family. From what I understand Maggie and Bailey's new "parents" are a very nice retired doctor and his wife. I can't wait to get pictures! I decided not to go see them, I think it would be too traumatic for both me and the dogs. As my aunt said, now it's time for someone else to get the joy they've given me!

Heart breaking decision

This is one of the really sucky things about cancer and dying. This is where I want to just scream and cry and stomp my feet about how unfair this all is and why does it have to be this way!
So, I have made the heart wrenching decision to find new homes for Bailey and Maggie the Wonder Dogs. I cry every time I think of it, but I know it is the best decision. I physically don't have the strength to continue to give them the care and exercise they need and it's not fair to them nor to the unbelievable friends that I have who have been walking them, cleaning up the yard after them and providing bed and breakfast services for them. It's something that would have eventually had to happen and I guess it's better now than later. At least now I have the chance to make sure they get the best home(s) possible and not be pushed into a quick decision. Regardless, it's so hard, I am crying even now, they are such good girls, despite thier counter terrorism, eviscerating stuffed animals, "accidents", etc etc. I just want to make sure they go to good homes, Maggie (the white one) is so loving, she needs another dog if she can't stay with Bailey, Bailey needs attention and someone to tell her how beautiful she is (she is a girl after all). They don't know they are dogs, (don't tell them) and furniture is something to sit on, whether you are covered in fur or not. I am sure that Cesar Millan would scold me for that.

All the experts are right, pets are about the best thing a person can have. They make you laugh, even when they have done something disastrous, like eat the entire dinner you have made for your family, eaten a pillow, "killed" a stuffed animal. They are always there when you need them, tell your secrets to, scold you when you should be walking them instead of feeling sorry for yourself, throwing the ball instead of watching television.

So, the dogs will be gone sometime soon, and I will cry my eyes out as I am doing now. The one comfort I have is that I still have my kitties (thank you Bridget and Sarah for doing litter box duty). They never cease to make me laugh out loud, seeing Tony (the cream colored Tabby) walk around with a qtip hanging out of his mouth like a cigarette is hilarious! There is nothing more soothing than a purring cat sitting on your lap. I have promises from my friends that when the time comes (after I am gone) that they will find loving homes for my kitties too.

So, as heartbreaking as it is, I know that I am doing the best thing for Bailey and Maggie, the decision I have to make now is whether I should leave them where they are staying now (and possibly outstay their welcome) or bring them home where it may be harder for me to give them up. Regardless, I won't give them up until I know that whoever they go to will spoil them as much if not more than I do.