You look Mahvelous dahling!

Before I start this I want to assure everyone that I am not a conceited beeatcchh but here is my dilemma. lately when I see someone who has heard of my "situation" but hasn't seen me for quite some time their reaction has been "You look fantastic!"

I'm never quite sure how to respond. Thank you? am I NOT supposed to look good? Are they expecting me to be bald and sickly? I don't know, but sometimes it's almost as if they don't believe I really have cancer (yeah, that's me, lying again, I don't really have cancer, I just wanted the attention and the sympathy) should my response be, "thanks, but I really look like crap, or I may look good on the outside but my insides feel horrible"

What do people want to hear? do I lie and tell them yes, I feel great, or do I tell them the truth and tell them I feel a lot worse than I look? either way I always feel like I am not being honest with myself or them. When you see someone and say "how are you doing?" you don't really want to know unless it's good. the standard and expected response is "fine thanks, how are you?" Who wants to hear, "not great, I guess you haven't heard that I have terminal cancer". I mean, who wants to hear that stuff?

I just talked to an acquaintance today that I hadn't talked to since January. I guess I didn't really have to say anything, but the reason she had called was to see if I wanted to earn extra money doing agency nursing. I guess I could have said no thanks and left it at that, but I didn't.

So, what do I do? Continue to be honest. So, when you see me and ask me how I am doing you will get honesty from me. Some days will be good days, others will not. But.....when I have my bad days please know that I am not trying to burden you with my problems. When I feel good I will tell you, but when I don't feel so great you'll know that as well. Lately I have been having more bad days.

Fortunately my breathing is better with the supplemental oxygen, but unfortunately my tumor markers (Tumor markers are substances produced by tumor cells or by other cells of the body in response to cancer) are higher than before. Normal level is less than 40, mine started at 729 and dropped to 267. Now it's back up to 391 which means I have to start back on Tarceva. Tarceva is a chemotherapy drug that has had promising results for patients with pancreatic cancer, basically it helps prolong life by a few months, but hey, I'll take what I can get! the problem is that it has unpleasant side effects, so, next time you see me and ask me how I'm doing, well........

don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful for all the advances that medicine has made, but I sure would be a lot happier without the "chemo acne", the nausea, the fuzzy down I seem to be growing on my face (thank goodness it's not dark hair!) and other stuff. The major side effect to these side effects is that they put me in a lousy mood! So, please don't take it personally!

My shrink told me that I should take each day as it comes and concentrate on the cruise countdown. Not being able to control my situation is driving me insane, but I am trying my best!

Every Day is Thanksgiving!

I have had a few minutes to pause and reflect on how grateful I am to have the friends and family I do who are all supporting me, whether through prayer or other means. It occurs to me that although I have been dealt a lousy hand lately I have so much to be grateful for as do we all. Just as every day I am on this planet is another day I am a survivor, every day we all have with each other is Thanksgiving, not just the 4th Thursday in November. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day, today and everyday.

hooray!

the girls have found a home! I am so thrilled and thankful to the Erny's for being such a good foster family. From what I understand Maggie and Bailey's new "parents" are a very nice retired doctor and his wife. I can't wait to get pictures! I decided not to go see them, I think it would be too traumatic for both me and the dogs. As my aunt said, now it's time for someone else to get the joy they've given me!

Heart breaking decision

This is one of the really sucky things about cancer and dying. This is where I want to just scream and cry and stomp my feet about how unfair this all is and why does it have to be this way!
So, I have made the heart wrenching decision to find new homes for Bailey and Maggie the Wonder Dogs. I cry every time I think of it, but I know it is the best decision. I physically don't have the strength to continue to give them the care and exercise they need and it's not fair to them nor to the unbelievable friends that I have who have been walking them, cleaning up the yard after them and providing bed and breakfast services for them. It's something that would have eventually had to happen and I guess it's better now than later. At least now I have the chance to make sure they get the best home(s) possible and not be pushed into a quick decision. Regardless, it's so hard, I am crying even now, they are such good girls, despite thier counter terrorism, eviscerating stuffed animals, "accidents", etc etc. I just want to make sure they go to good homes, Maggie (the white one) is so loving, she needs another dog if she can't stay with Bailey, Bailey needs attention and someone to tell her how beautiful she is (she is a girl after all). They don't know they are dogs, (don't tell them) and furniture is something to sit on, whether you are covered in fur or not. I am sure that Cesar Millan would scold me for that.

All the experts are right, pets are about the best thing a person can have. They make you laugh, even when they have done something disastrous, like eat the entire dinner you have made for your family, eaten a pillow, "killed" a stuffed animal. They are always there when you need them, tell your secrets to, scold you when you should be walking them instead of feeling sorry for yourself, throwing the ball instead of watching television.

So, the dogs will be gone sometime soon, and I will cry my eyes out as I am doing now. The one comfort I have is that I still have my kitties (thank you Bridget and Sarah for doing litter box duty). They never cease to make me laugh out loud, seeing Tony (the cream colored Tabby) walk around with a qtip hanging out of his mouth like a cigarette is hilarious! There is nothing more soothing than a purring cat sitting on your lap. I have promises from my friends that when the time comes (after I am gone) that they will find loving homes for my kitties too.

So, as heartbreaking as it is, I know that I am doing the best thing for Bailey and Maggie, the decision I have to make now is whether I should leave them where they are staying now (and possibly outstay their welcome) or bring them home where it may be harder for me to give them up. Regardless, I won't give them up until I know that whoever they go to will spoil them as much if not more than I do.

I'm home!

just a quick note letting you know I have been released from the hospital, even that isn't without it's problems, I was no sooner out 3 hours and I was back in the Emergency Room with trouble breathing, yikes. I had gone to my folks for dinner and it was a combination of too many people, room too hot, etc. and I couldn't breath. I am fine and back home taking it easy under doctor's orders. driving me nuts!! but I will be a good little girl and do what I am told. I will tell you that the last 2 episodes were very scary and I did not like what I was seeking of my future. too sick too soon, don't like it, not accepting it, period.

I'm still here

The hospital that is.. how times have changed, wifi for patients! I am feeling pretty good, still a little short of breath and having a bit of nausea and vomiting, so we'll see if I can still go home tomorrow. Bailey and Maggie the Wonder dogs are having a blast staying at a friend's house, they may not want to come home!

Life Happens

So, if you read back a few posts you might remember that I had been complaining of feeling short of breath, no energy, blah blah blah. I went for chemo yesterday, and although my mental outlook was much better, I was still huffing and puffing and couldn't catch my breath. Long story short, I had a pulmonary angiogram and turns out I have Pulmonary Emboli (Embolisms?) or blood clots in my lungs, also have DVT (deep vein thrombosis) in my left leg. this is all due to the cancer. I feel fine as long as I don't exert myself (like walking 10 feet) . They have me on oxygen and a heparin drip to bust the clots, and when I am discharged in 3-5 days I will continue on coumadin (another blood thinner).

let me repeat, I FEEL FINE! This is just another bump in the road, not unexpected but a pain in the patoot nonetheless!

ttfn

thecdr

Sometimes I just want to whine!

Trust me, I am fine, but if I can't whine when I have cancer, then what's the point? I just don't feel good, some fever, nausea, vomiting, all of those chemo side effects you hear about. bleeaaagghhhh! I am just tired of being sick, I need a day off! and I don't get one!

disaster of all disasters, my microwave broke! what else???

hope everyone's Halloween was great, this was the biggest ever in our neighborhood, and the parents sure loved the "trick or beer!"