What do I tell my kids?

Having cancer is no picnic, let me tell you, especially when you have kids. How do I tell them? what do I do? and I am sure many other people go through similar things? How do I explain to my kids that their friend's mother is sick? What do I tell them?

I can only tell you my experiences, whether they are right or wrong or apply to your own child I can't tell you.

When I was first diagnosed it was imperative that we kept things as quiet as possible (more about privacy issues in another post). WE needed time to process, and I needed time to tell my son. Here is what I experienced and learned:

Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I tried a gradual approach with Luis, we didn't mention the "C" word for quite some time. I explained about the chemo, that sometimes medicines make us feel worse before they make us better. But, as things happen, he overheard me on the phone one day and heard the two words, cancer and chemotherapy. He got very upset, because he knew that cancer was really bad. One of his former classmate's mother died of cancer a couple of years ago. So, the inevitable question came: "Mom, are you going to die?" This was clearly not the time to sugar coat with the pat answer "we will all die someday bs", but no 10 year old should have to shoulder the burden of hearing that his mother is dying, at least not yet. So, we had a frank talk about cancer, about my particular kind of cancer and that it WAS very bad, but this was why I was having the chemo, so I could stay here with him as long as possible. It was heartwrenching, tearful, terrible, but in a strange way a wonderful experience as we lay in my bed for hours crying and holding each other and telling each other how much we loved them.

Children need to know they will be safe. God bless my sister and her husband who will be Luis's guardian. He knows that he will be safe, that he will have a loving family and a place to live, that he won't lose his friends or his school or anything like that. Losing your mother is bad enough, but to lose your life as you know it is beyond bad.

"I will always be your mother". and he will always be my son. I can tell you there are some days that are pretty horrible, that both of us say hurtful things to each other in the heat of an argument. This is no picnic, that's for sure. Emotions can bring out the beauty and the ugly. But we always end up saying this to each other "I will always be your mother, you will always be my son. No matter where I am, this is the truth. I will always hold you in my heart, and you will always hold me in your heart" We thank God for every day we have with each other, and say at the end of each day "Today was a blessing."

It's ok to talk about it, in fact it is therapeutic. One day in school when the kids were asked if there was anything they would like to pray for, Luis got up and said "I want to pray for my mother, she has a disease called cancer." Heartwrenching yes, but the fact that he could talk about it is a very good thing.

Cancer is NOT catching. Your kids are going to be afraid, "if Luis's mom is sick, will I or you get sick too?" Everything I have read and experienced tells me that it is not only good, but necessary to talk about this with your kids. On the right hand side of the blog are links to some great websites that tell how to deal with kids. I urge you to read through them.

"Luis isn't acting the same" no kidding. this is a great time to teach kids about empathy and understanding. Anger is one of the most common reactions for kids, and acting out is the most common way of displaying it, my kid is no different. The bargaining and rationalization that goes on in a child's mind is unbelievable. "if I act this way then Aunt Peggy won't want me to live with her, if I can't live with her then my mom won't go away and leave me" To a rational mind that makes no sense, but in a 10 year old's mind it makes perfect sense.

Anyway, as I have a tendency to do I am rambling. All I can do is encourage you to talk to your kids and find out how they are doing. Read through the information in the links: "What's chemo Mommy?", and the information from the Dana Farber Institute and the NYU Cancer Institute. They are applicable not just to families with the disease, but for kids who know families, and some great stuff on how to deal with it in the class room.

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